So.. hello again.

Some time has passed since last I wrote here. About two years, it seems.

At the time, I thought I was ready to do this.  I thought I had the motivation and dedication to make it happen and stick with it.

Apparently I was wrong.

The thing is.. I really thought I had reached some kind of platform before.  I thought I had grown and changed and metamorphosed into some kind of.. I'm not sure what.  I guess I had grown, somewhat.  But today, this person I am is very very different.  Two years isn't that long, and I'm not unrecognizable but.. shit's different.

Can I say with absolute certainty that this will be it?  I want to think that this is an outlet for me.  This will be the way I pour my heart and mind into the world and somehow it will make some impact and people will reach out and some... something... will grow from it.  Let's be real.  Is that honestly going to happen?  Not likely.  BUT.  meh, it can't hurt, right?

I am on a precipice.

(so dram) But really.  Life is teetering on a point.  I have a million and one possibilities in front of me.  I have absolutely zero idea what to do with my future.  I am struggling between believing in myself and thinking that I'm amazing... and hating myself and being crushed by disappointment and unrealistic expectations.

All I want
is to be
happy.

It looks really easy when i look at the words.  I don't know how to make that happen.  I haven't slept in days.  I'm 27 years old and just weeks ago graduated from college.  My life is so far off the track I had planned on, I don't know how to reintegrate reality into my plans.  I'm in love with someone that I don't think loves me, at least not how I need.  I don't know what to do, who to be, where to go.

I just don't want to be smothered by regrets.  That's my biggest fear.  I have so many now and I dread making any more.  But I think my inaction is creating even more anyway.

OK.  I can breathe again.  Maybe I can sleep tonight.  Maybe I can do this again tomorrow.  Maybe it won't feel so much like pulling teeth.  Even if 0.0 people ever read a single word I write... I think it's good for my heart to not stay bottled up.

Goodnight <3