Home again, home again, jiggity jig..

Back where I belong (?) safe and sound w my pup and some horrifying something or other playing on netflix.  I had another wake up call this weekend.. maybe for the 100th time.. that I am not with my Prince Charming.

I want to be loved, want to be in love, so badly.  It makes me accept less than what is right for me.  I am not desperate for wedding bells and happily ever after, at least not today.  But being with someone who so clearly says, "nope, you're not for me"... well that doesn't feel too great.  I want to be wanted, probably more than is healthy, but it is what it is.

I'm torn between wanting to be completely independent, unattached to everyone, incapable of being hurt again by losing someone... and wanting to completely pour my entire being into another person, having someone wrap their arms around me and squeeze all my brokenness back together.

Everyone is gone from here now.  I exist in a state that I call "home" where I have lived for the past.. 21 years?  And it doesn't really feel like home anymore.  Nothing here but ghosts and memories and mistakes.. with a few cloudy remembrances of happy times, and even those are fading.

I feel like a whiny brat being so torn up and confused about a problem that in reality isn't that much of a problem at all.  I am more blessed than a huge majority of people in the world.  I'm young, healthy, smart, capable, and for better or worse, have a bank account full of enough $ to take care of myself.  I can go anywhere and do anything I want.

So why do I feel so completely paralyzed?