quick post tonight.  polishing off a bottle of chardonnay in preparation of my alcohol free two weeks of clean eating.  Starting tomorrow, following the menu on buzzfeed.. not for any specific reason other than I'm bored and what can it hurt.  If I lost a few lbs before bikini time, I wouldn't hate it.

I read back to my first post on here when I started this blog.  It was from 2 years ago, and I was in the midst of a fight w T.. rereading that w today's eyes, it hurt my heart.  Things haven't changed, at least not for the better.  The things I was so hurt and shocked by then are still the things that hurt (but not shock anymore) me now.  That was a depressing punch to the guts.

Bottom line.  I.  am.  too.  good.  for.  this.  shit.

Now if I can just make it happen.

I'm excited to focus the next two weeks on healthiness, strength, independence, and wide open possibilities.  Even if all that includes right now is kale and yoga, so be it.

Home again, home again, jiggity jig..

Back where I belong (?) safe and sound w my pup and some horrifying something or other playing on netflix.  I had another wake up call this weekend.. maybe for the 100th time.. that I am not with my Prince Charming.

I want to be loved, want to be in love, so badly.  It makes me accept less than what is right for me.  I am not desperate for wedding bells and happily ever after, at least not today.  But being with someone who so clearly says, "nope, you're not for me"... well that doesn't feel too great.  I want to be wanted, probably more than is healthy, but it is what it is.

I'm torn between wanting to be completely independent, unattached to everyone, incapable of being hurt again by losing someone... and wanting to completely pour my entire being into another person, having someone wrap their arms around me and squeeze all my brokenness back together.

Everyone is gone from here now.  I exist in a state that I call "home" where I have lived for the past.. 21 years?  And it doesn't really feel like home anymore.  Nothing here but ghosts and memories and mistakes.. with a few cloudy remembrances of happy times, and even those are fading.

I feel like a whiny brat being so torn up and confused about a problem that in reality isn't that much of a problem at all.  I am more blessed than a huge majority of people in the world.  I'm young, healthy, smart, capable, and for better or worse, have a bank account full of enough $ to take care of myself.  I can go anywhere and do anything I want.

So why do I feel so completely paralyzed?

So.. hello again.

Some time has passed since last I wrote here. About two years, it seems.

At the time, I thought I was ready to do this.  I thought I had the motivation and dedication to make it happen and stick with it.

Apparently I was wrong.

The thing is.. I really thought I had reached some kind of platform before.  I thought I had grown and changed and metamorphosed into some kind of.. I'm not sure what.  I guess I had grown, somewhat.  But today, this person I am is very very different.  Two years isn't that long, and I'm not unrecognizable but.. shit's different.

Can I say with absolute certainty that this will be it?  I want to think that this is an outlet for me.  This will be the way I pour my heart and mind into the world and somehow it will make some impact and people will reach out and some... something... will grow from it.  Let's be real.  Is that honestly going to happen?  Not likely.  BUT.  meh, it can't hurt, right?

I am on a precipice.

(so dram) But really.  Life is teetering on a point.  I have a million and one possibilities in front of me.  I have absolutely zero idea what to do with my future.  I am struggling between believing in myself and thinking that I'm amazing... and hating myself and being crushed by disappointment and unrealistic expectations.

All I want
is to be
happy.

It looks really easy when i look at the words.  I don't know how to make that happen.  I haven't slept in days.  I'm 27 years old and just weeks ago graduated from college.  My life is so far off the track I had planned on, I don't know how to reintegrate reality into my plans.  I'm in love with someone that I don't think loves me, at least not how I need.  I don't know what to do, who to be, where to go.

I just don't want to be smothered by regrets.  That's my biggest fear.  I have so many now and I dread making any more.  But I think my inaction is creating even more anyway.

OK.  I can breathe again.  Maybe I can sleep tonight.  Maybe I can do this again tomorrow.  Maybe it won't feel so much like pulling teeth.  Even if 0.0 people ever read a single word I write... I think it's good for my heart to not stay bottled up.

Goodnight <3