Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Good men and good pins are hard to find

I just read some of the posts on and it was seriously funny.  I never thought to make a point of showing how fabulously some of those things can fail.  I've gotten pretty good at weeding out things that I can tell will be a bad idea and combined with the comments on most sites, you can usually tell when something is going to turn out a wreck.  I've definitely had some less than stellar results though and now I wish I had turned it into something more productive rather than just scraping into the trash.

Speaking of pinterest, I actually used some of those "workout" pins that I happen to save occasionally between piles of pasta recipes, alcoholic drink themed desserts, and 101 uses for mason jars.  I went through four or five last night and I was DYING.  I started off slowly and ended with some pretty intense (for me) cardio and sweat was pouring.  My FACE was sweating... never in my life, through any activity or heat wave, has my face sweated.  I felt disgusting and also kind of awesome.  I am fairly sore today and don't really want to do anymore but I feel like I need to keep the momentum going and work through the tightness.

I'm pretty stressed out feeling right now.  I don't remember the last thing I wrote but I think right after that, T and I got into a fight.  We get irritated and annoyed with each other and sometimes one or the other will snap back but it's usually pretty minor stuff that's resolved by the end of the day.  This time involved him yelling at me and calling me a bitch.

So, I've had some rocky relationships in the past.  This one is definitely the best (romantic) relationship I've been in.  Having said that, there are definite issues.  Not issues like he doesn't want to go see the movie I want to see or he won't pick up his dirty underwear or he thinks my best friend is a slut (all of those things may or may not be true), but serious things.. things like, ok I can deal with this today but is this something I want to still be a problem 5 years from now.. 10 years?

I've never dated anyone that had any type of potential for being a.. forever person.  This is my third long term, serious relationship and I won't be marrying this guy.  But... there was a time for maybe 6 months or so.. where that door wasn't completely shut yet.  Not like I was thinking omg this is the one.. but for me, just the fact that I wasn't totally dead seat against it was progress.

I don't mean to say I don't want to get married.  I don't mean to say I don't not want to get married.  It's just kind of a nonissue for me right now.  I'm in my mid 20s and I have plenty of time for that; I'm in no rush.  I'm actually kind of glad I haven't been with a Mr Right yet because I don't want to have to deal with the implications of that.

Where was I going with this?  Oh, the bitch comment.  Now it wasn't just like eyerolling "ugh, you act like such a bitch sometimes" or something.  And yes, sometimes I do act like a gigantic bitch, I'm fully aware.  Also, I have been called uglier things than that on multiple occasions by other bfs.  However, feeling that this was a more mature, healthier relationship, and the fact that we have been together for like... a little shy of a year and a half, and he has never called me a name, I was a little taken aback.

To put this in context, we were arguing about cupcakes.  Cupcakes.  Really awesome rum chata cupcakes that I found on Pinterest (the circle of life).  He loves rum chata, I saw them online and he said they sounded great and I should go make them.  I said I was short a couple ingredients and did he want to go with me to grab them.. he says no, he has to go to work soon (4 hours).  This trip would also involve going to the liquor store in addition to the grocery store, the liquor store his family owns and he manages, and I said well if you don't want to go with me could you just go by there and grab a bottle so I don't have to go to both places.  He again starts in with the I have to go there in a couple hours, I don't want to be there for any reason other than work.

He throws in a little aside about how it's not like I have anything else to do, I don't have a job, and he doesn't expect I would understand what he means anyway.  This is true; I don't have a job.. something he points out to me on a fairly regular basis.  As I'm getting dressed to walk out the door, I said that I would appreciate him stopping with the "I've never worked" comments because they are old and I'm really tired of hearing it - him working and me not doesn't make him such a better person than me.

He responded with saying he was tired of me making comments about him working (?) when I don't even understand.. or something.  I think he was kind of flailing for ammunition at this point.  I calmly said, from the bathroom as I'm putting up my hair, that he was being really rude.  And he just blows up with "yeah?? well you're a bitch!!"  I walked out like seriously? do you even want me to do this for you? and he goes then don't fucking do it!!  I just stood there for a minute then grabbed my stuff and left.

He apparently assumed I was going to the store to get cupcake stuff (??) when in reality I grabbed my Henry and we went home.  Home being about an hour to the north, my house I have in a different town.  Hours pass during which I angrily mop the floors at my house and watch hours of Teen Mom on my dvr and I get a text asking when I'm coming back and I tell him not that night.  All he's interested in is if I'm still going with him and his family to the lake the next day.

Most of my anger being exorcised in a rare cleaning fit, I end up lying on the couch, vegging to trash tv, and thinking.  Thinking about how I feel about a partner calling me a bitch.  Someone that at one point I could have almost seen as a kinda sorta just a little bit we'll see how things go maybe something more serious person.  In my mind, that person is the closest to you outside of blood.  Your parents, siblings, children - those are all huge major relationships - but you don't choose them.  They just are.  The person you marry - that's all up to you.

Calling a name isn't the worst thing in the world.  As I said, I've had worse.  On the other hand, I don't deserve someone who disrespects me, and I think more importantly, is incapable of dealing with his communication and feelings in a more adult, healthy way.  My head started feeling all fuzzy with these thoughts and I went through a list of who to call or text about it.  That ended pretty quickly because as soon as I thought of some one, I already knew what they would say.

My dad - thought you already broke up with him?? tell him to shove it up his ass (that's pretty much his blanket advice for most things). My brother - break up with him (he's already told him this over previous infractions).  My best friend - thinks I should break up with him, not because she dislikes him but she says she thinks I deserve so much more than what he offers.  My other friend - she doesn't like him at all and thinks he's gay (...).

So I worked myself up all in a tizzy thinking I know what I would tell a friend to do in this situation, I know what I would tell my daughter to do.. do I want to be with someone who calls me a bitch when he's mad?  Do I want my children hearing someone talk to me that way and think its ok?  That it's ok for them to call me that, to call others that, to be called names?  No.  So I got myself all jacked up and drove back to pack my stuff and leave.

He was still at work and as I packed, I texted my cousin and my sister in law, the only two women other than friends that are closeish in age and I trust their opinions.  They both told me to not freak out and do anything rash until we had calmed down and to give him a chance to apologize as long as this wasn't a pattern.  Everyone makes mistakes, relationships are hard, blah blah.  I was surprised at that, thinking that they would have said to end it.  So I settled down a little and texted big long novel texts to T about how I felt disrespected by how he treated me and it kind of snowballed into how I can't handle how emotionally shut off he is and other stuff.

I figured regardless I didn't want the end to be me sneaking out without even seeing him so I waited around another half an hour or so till he got back and.. nothing was really said.  I don't know what I expected but there was no tearful apology or baby please don't leave as I'm sitting amongst a pile of packed bags.  I said what I needed to say in the texts (he communicates immensely better via text, sadly) and.. I don't know.  I didn't really get much closure but he did apologize and I realized I might have overreacted.

I have a habit of putting up with such shit from guys and then not really realizing how wrong it was until after the fact.  You know, looking back on things once the person is long gone and thinking "why did I not see that, how did I ever think that was ok?"  I guess that has made me kind of hyper sensitive now.. not wanting that to ever happen again and trying to keep that "outside eye" active while still on the inside.  In doing so, I just hear bitch and think OMG this is something.. this shouldn't happen.. I'll regret it later if I don't do something now, when in reality it didn't make me THAT mad.  I mean, yeah I was very mad.  And it was wrong of him to say.  But one word, heat of the moment, isn't relationship ending for me.

And yes I made the cupcakes, and yes they were delicious.  Thank you pinterest.

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