Tuesday, July 10, 2012

starting somewhere

So.. I have been planning on doing this for forever.  I've just never been able to come up with a certain perfect something to start with.  Part of me wanted to start something online to share with friends and family.. a better way to connect and communicate.  But then I decided that I don't really want anyone I know to read all this about me.  I'm not really sure what I want to talk about but I don't want to catch myself censoring my thoughts out of fear I will offend/worry/whatever someone that I know.

Anyway, so now I've started.  I don't particularly want to share with people or get advice.  I will be just fine if my eyes are the only ones who ever cross these words.  I just have all these feelings and worries inside my head and I just want to exorcise them somehow.  I stare at the ceiling at night for hours with a million little pieces of my mind rolling all over themselves and I hope that by laying them all out in black and white, I will be able to.. process them better? see more clearly a solution or.. something?  I'm not really sure.  Sometimes I just want to vent.  Like a facebook status but without all the personal attacks from random acquaintances.  At least hear if I offend anyone with my ramblings, it will be anonymously.

So, it's raining here.  Finally.  Its been.. I don't know how long since it's rained.  Seems like months.  Fires have been burning all over the state; everything has been hot and miserable - crispy, brown, and dead.  The downpour is more than welcome.  Summer is still stretching out in front of me, at least for a little longer.  School is looming ahead of me next month like a big dead end, but at least I still have a month or so left.  School... ahh, there is something I could go on and on about.  That will probably be the topic of a nice, long, emotionally draining post coming up soon, but not today.  I don't have the strength.

I'm hot and tired.  Even with the rain, it's still in the 90s and that's cool compared to what it's been lately.  I was wandering around outside with Henry today and we ran into a little lost dog who seemed so hot and who was covered in burs and leaves, even though it was obviously well groomed and looked pure bred to me... some little maltese or something.  T called his mother who lives nearby and she said a dog matching that description lived across the street from her and got loose all the time. We walked it down there and it was their dog, even though you wouldn't know it from their reaction.  Blank faces, eye rolling, "ugh that dog wanders around everywhere." Apparently it is too much trouble to keep batteries in the collar for the electric fence they use.. poor guy still had the metal teeth digging into his neck - a lot of good that collar does.  Barely even a thank you, just grabbed up the dog, spanked him, called him stupid and annoying, and I saw them throw him out the back door as I walked off, back into the yard he keeps getting out of.  Felt kind of down as we trudged back home.  The little guy was so sweet and well behaved, pretty cute under that dirty fur and better manners than all three of the mongrels we have at home.  Decided if I happen to see him around again, I won't be taking him back there.  How many times does your pet need to get lost before you make it a priority to keep them safe?  I can't imagine how grateful I would be for someone to bring my sweet Henry home - I would be freaking out, kissing my baby and the wonderful person who returned him to me.

So that little excursion got me all hot and sweaty, combined with the kind of blah feeling afterwards when I was expecting to be happy to get a lost animal home... on top of that, I'm sore from starting working out again.  On about day 5 of starting to get some exercise again and my muscles hurt, my joints are sore.  I'm imagining myself dropping 10 lbs a day and get the disappointment of seeing no change in the scale and worse today, up three lbs..? sigh.  I'm telling myself it's from all the salt I had last night from mexican food and popcorn at the movies.  I need to stay off the scale and just focus on what I'm eating and staying active but it's hard to not sneak a peek.  I'm going on vacation with T and his family to the beach in a little less than a month and I would love to be a little trimmed down by then.. fingers crossed. It's not like I'm morbidly obese or riding motor scooters through the grocery store or something.. but I'm bigger than I was in high school (who isn't, right?) and although I doubt I will ever be that size again... actually I don't think I would want to be, really... I at least want to be down like 20 lbs, maybe a little bit more, I don't know.  It's frustrating.  I'm extremely lazy, not sporty or athletic in the least, I love to cook, and basically don't have a lot to do right now - no school, no job, too hot to get out. All adds up to me sitting on my butt and wondering why my jeans feel tight.  I'm just telling myself that it will get easier.. just keep at it.. surely to god I will see SOME results, right?  I can't be sweating my boobs off every day.. boobs which are strapped down in the most unfortunate big-boob sports bra, I might add.. and keeping track of every bite I eat.. forgoing processed food, sodas, sweets, and cutting down on carbs heavily.. to have no results at all, right?

So a whole day has passed since I started this post.  Typical.  T got nosy as to what I was typing away at and after taking a break to keep him from seeing, the power got knocked out for hours.  Luckily I had last season's True Blood downloaded on itunes to keep me entertained.  Ok that'll do it for now.  First post complete!

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