quick post tonight.  polishing off a bottle of chardonnay in preparation of my alcohol free two weeks of clean eating.  Starting tomorrow, following the menu on buzzfeed.. not for any specific reason other than I'm bored and what can it hurt.  If I lost a few lbs before bikini time, I wouldn't hate it.

I read back to my first post on here when I started this blog.  It was from 2 years ago, and I was in the midst of a fight w T.. rereading that w today's eyes, it hurt my heart.  Things haven't changed, at least not for the better.  The things I was so hurt and shocked by then are still the things that hurt (but not shock anymore) me now.  That was a depressing punch to the guts.

Bottom line.  I.  am.  too.  good.  for.  this.  shit.

Now if I can just make it happen.

I'm excited to focus the next two weeks on healthiness, strength, independence, and wide open possibilities.  Even if all that includes right now is kale and yoga, so be it.

Home again, home again, jiggity jig..

Back where I belong (?) safe and sound w my pup and some horrifying something or other playing on netflix.  I had another wake up call this weekend.. maybe for the 100th time.. that I am not with my Prince Charming.

I want to be loved, want to be in love, so badly.  It makes me accept less than what is right for me.  I am not desperate for wedding bells and happily ever after, at least not today.  But being with someone who so clearly says, "nope, you're not for me"... well that doesn't feel too great.  I want to be wanted, probably more than is healthy, but it is what it is.

I'm torn between wanting to be completely independent, unattached to everyone, incapable of being hurt again by losing someone... and wanting to completely pour my entire being into another person, having someone wrap their arms around me and squeeze all my brokenness back together.

Everyone is gone from here now.  I exist in a state that I call "home" where I have lived for the past.. 21 years?  And it doesn't really feel like home anymore.  Nothing here but ghosts and memories and mistakes.. with a few cloudy remembrances of happy times, and even those are fading.

I feel like a whiny brat being so torn up and confused about a problem that in reality isn't that much of a problem at all.  I am more blessed than a huge majority of people in the world.  I'm young, healthy, smart, capable, and for better or worse, have a bank account full of enough $ to take care of myself.  I can go anywhere and do anything I want.

So why do I feel so completely paralyzed?

So.. hello again.

Some time has passed since last I wrote here. About two years, it seems.

At the time, I thought I was ready to do this.  I thought I had the motivation and dedication to make it happen and stick with it.

Apparently I was wrong.

The thing is.. I really thought I had reached some kind of platform before.  I thought I had grown and changed and metamorphosed into some kind of.. I'm not sure what.  I guess I had grown, somewhat.  But today, this person I am is very very different.  Two years isn't that long, and I'm not unrecognizable but.. shit's different.

Can I say with absolute certainty that this will be it?  I want to think that this is an outlet for me.  This will be the way I pour my heart and mind into the world and somehow it will make some impact and people will reach out and some... something... will grow from it.  Let's be real.  Is that honestly going to happen?  Not likely.  BUT.  meh, it can't hurt, right?

I am on a precipice.

(so dram) But really.  Life is teetering on a point.  I have a million and one possibilities in front of me.  I have absolutely zero idea what to do with my future.  I am struggling between believing in myself and thinking that I'm amazing... and hating myself and being crushed by disappointment and unrealistic expectations.

All I want
is to be
happy.

It looks really easy when i look at the words.  I don't know how to make that happen.  I haven't slept in days.  I'm 27 years old and just weeks ago graduated from college.  My life is so far off the track I had planned on, I don't know how to reintegrate reality into my plans.  I'm in love with someone that I don't think loves me, at least not how I need.  I don't know what to do, who to be, where to go.

I just don't want to be smothered by regrets.  That's my biggest fear.  I have so many now and I dread making any more.  But I think my inaction is creating even more anyway.

OK.  I can breathe again.  Maybe I can sleep tonight.  Maybe I can do this again tomorrow.  Maybe it won't feel so much like pulling teeth.  Even if 0.0 people ever read a single word I write... I think it's good for my heart to not stay bottled up.

Goodnight <3

Good men and good pins are hard to find

I just read some of the posts on pintester.com and it was seriously funny.  I never thought to make a point of showing how fabulously some of those things can fail.  I've gotten pretty good at weeding out things that I can tell will be a bad idea and combined with the comments on most sites, you can usually tell when something is going to turn out a wreck.  I've definitely had some less than stellar results though and now I wish I had turned it into something more productive rather than just scraping into the trash.

Speaking of pinterest, I actually used some of those "workout" pins that I happen to save occasionally between piles of pasta recipes, alcoholic drink themed desserts, and 101 uses for mason jars.  I went through four or five last night and I was DYING.  I started off slowly and ended with some pretty intense (for me) cardio and sweat was pouring.  My FACE was sweating... never in my life, through any activity or heat wave, has my face sweated.  I felt disgusting and also kind of awesome.  I am fairly sore today and don't really want to do anymore but I feel like I need to keep the momentum going and work through the tightness.

I'm pretty stressed out feeling right now.  I don't remember the last thing I wrote but I think right after that, T and I got into a fight.  We get irritated and annoyed with each other and sometimes one or the other will snap back but it's usually pretty minor stuff that's resolved by the end of the day.  This time involved him yelling at me and calling me a bitch.

So, I've had some rocky relationships in the past.  This one is definitely the best (romantic) relationship I've been in.  Having said that, there are definite issues.  Not issues like he doesn't want to go see the movie I want to see or he won't pick up his dirty underwear or he thinks my best friend is a slut (all of those things may or may not be true), but serious things.. things like, ok I can deal with this today but is this something I want to still be a problem 5 years from now.. 10 years?

I've never dated anyone that had any type of potential for being a.. forever person.  This is my third long term, serious relationship and I won't be marrying this guy.  But... there was a time for maybe 6 months or so.. where that door wasn't completely shut yet.  Not like I was thinking omg this is the one.. but for me, just the fact that I wasn't totally dead seat against it was progress.

I don't mean to say I don't want to get married.  I don't mean to say I don't not want to get married.  It's just kind of a nonissue for me right now.  I'm in my mid 20s and I have plenty of time for that; I'm in no rush.  I'm actually kind of glad I haven't been with a Mr Right yet because I don't want to have to deal with the implications of that.

Where was I going with this?  Oh, the bitch comment.  Now it wasn't just like eyerolling "ugh, you act like such a bitch sometimes" or something.  And yes, sometimes I do act like a gigantic bitch, I'm fully aware.  Also, I have been called uglier things than that on multiple occasions by other bfs.  However, feeling that this was a more mature, healthier relationship, and the fact that we have been together for like... a little shy of a year and a half, and he has never called me a name, I was a little taken aback.

To put this in context, we were arguing about cupcakes.  Cupcakes.  Really awesome rum chata cupcakes that I found on Pinterest (the circle of life).  He loves rum chata, I saw them online and he said they sounded great and I should go make them.  I said I was short a couple ingredients and did he want to go with me to grab them.. he says no, he has to go to work soon (4 hours).  This trip would also involve going to the liquor store in addition to the grocery store, the liquor store his family owns and he manages, and I said well if you don't want to go with me could you just go by there and grab a bottle so I don't have to go to both places.  He again starts in with the I have to go there in a couple hours, I don't want to be there for any reason other than work.

He throws in a little aside about how it's not like I have anything else to do, I don't have a job, and he doesn't expect I would understand what he means anyway.  This is true; I don't have a job.. something he points out to me on a fairly regular basis.  As I'm getting dressed to walk out the door, I said that I would appreciate him stopping with the "I've never worked" comments because they are old and I'm really tired of hearing it - him working and me not doesn't make him such a better person than me.

He responded with saying he was tired of me making comments about him working (?) when I don't even understand.. or something.  I think he was kind of flailing for ammunition at this point.  I calmly said, from the bathroom as I'm putting up my hair, that he was being really rude.  And he just blows up with "yeah?? well you're a bitch!!"  I walked out like seriously? do you even want me to do this for you? and he goes then don't fucking do it!!  I just stood there for a minute then grabbed my stuff and left.

He apparently assumed I was going to the store to get cupcake stuff (??) when in reality I grabbed my Henry and we went home.  Home being about an hour to the north, my house I have in a different town.  Hours pass during which I angrily mop the floors at my house and watch hours of Teen Mom on my dvr and I get a text asking when I'm coming back and I tell him not that night.  All he's interested in is if I'm still going with him and his family to the lake the next day.

Most of my anger being exorcised in a rare cleaning fit, I end up lying on the couch, vegging to trash tv, and thinking.  Thinking about how I feel about a partner calling me a bitch.  Someone that at one point I could have almost seen as a kinda sorta just a little bit we'll see how things go maybe something more serious person.  In my mind, that person is the closest to you outside of blood.  Your parents, siblings, children - those are all huge major relationships - but you don't choose them.  They just are.  The person you marry - that's all up to you.

Calling a name isn't the worst thing in the world.  As I said, I've had worse.  On the other hand, I don't deserve someone who disrespects me, and I think more importantly, is incapable of dealing with his communication and feelings in a more adult, healthy way.  My head started feeling all fuzzy with these thoughts and I went through a list of who to call or text about it.  That ended pretty quickly because as soon as I thought of some one, I already knew what they would say.

My dad - thought you already broke up with him?? tell him to shove it up his ass (that's pretty much his blanket advice for most things). My brother - break up with him (he's already told him this over previous infractions).  My best friend - thinks I should break up with him, not because she dislikes him but she says she thinks I deserve so much more than what he offers.  My other friend - she doesn't like him at all and thinks he's gay (...).

So I worked myself up all in a tizzy thinking I know what I would tell a friend to do in this situation, I know what I would tell my daughter to do.. do I want to be with someone who calls me a bitch when he's mad?  Do I want my children hearing someone talk to me that way and think its ok?  That it's ok for them to call me that, to call others that, to be called names?  No.  So I got myself all jacked up and drove back to pack my stuff and leave.

He was still at work and as I packed, I texted my cousin and my sister in law, the only two women other than friends that are closeish in age and I trust their opinions.  They both told me to not freak out and do anything rash until we had calmed down and to give him a chance to apologize as long as this wasn't a pattern.  Everyone makes mistakes, relationships are hard, blah blah.  I was surprised at that, thinking that they would have said to end it.  So I settled down a little and texted big long novel texts to T about how I felt disrespected by how he treated me and it kind of snowballed into how I can't handle how emotionally shut off he is and other stuff.

I figured regardless I didn't want the end to be me sneaking out without even seeing him so I waited around another half an hour or so till he got back and.. nothing was really said.  I don't know what I expected but there was no tearful apology or baby please don't leave as I'm sitting amongst a pile of packed bags.  I said what I needed to say in the texts (he communicates immensely better via text, sadly) and.. I don't know.  I didn't really get much closure but he did apologize and I realized I might have overreacted.

I have a habit of putting up with such shit from guys and then not really realizing how wrong it was until after the fact.  You know, looking back on things once the person is long gone and thinking "why did I not see that, how did I ever think that was ok?"  I guess that has made me kind of hyper sensitive now.. not wanting that to ever happen again and trying to keep that "outside eye" active while still on the inside.  In doing so, I just hear bitch and think OMG this is something.. this shouldn't happen.. I'll regret it later if I don't do something now, when in reality it didn't make me THAT mad.  I mean, yeah I was very mad.  And it was wrong of him to say.  But one word, heat of the moment, isn't relationship ending for me.

And yes I made the cupcakes, and yes they were delicious.  Thank you pinterest.

starting somewhere

So.. I have been planning on doing this for forever.  I've just never been able to come up with a certain perfect something to start with.  Part of me wanted to start something online to share with friends and family.. a better way to connect and communicate.  But then I decided that I don't really want anyone I know to read all this about me.  I'm not really sure what I want to talk about but I don't want to catch myself censoring my thoughts out of fear I will offend/worry/whatever someone that I know.

Anyway, so now I've started.  I don't particularly want to share with people or get advice.  I will be just fine if my eyes are the only ones who ever cross these words.  I just have all these feelings and worries inside my head and I just want to exorcise them somehow.  I stare at the ceiling at night for hours with a million little pieces of my mind rolling all over themselves and I hope that by laying them all out in black and white, I will be able to.. process them better? see more clearly a solution or.. something?  I'm not really sure.  Sometimes I just want to vent.  Like a facebook status but without all the personal attacks from random acquaintances.  At least hear if I offend anyone with my ramblings, it will be anonymously.

So, it's raining here.  Finally.  Its been.. I don't know how long since it's rained.  Seems like months.  Fires have been burning all over the state; everything has been hot and miserable - crispy, brown, and dead.  The downpour is more than welcome.  Summer is still stretching out in front of me, at least for a little longer.  School is looming ahead of me next month like a big dead end, but at least I still have a month or so left.  School... ahh, there is something I could go on and on about.  That will probably be the topic of a nice, long, emotionally draining post coming up soon, but not today.  I don't have the strength.

I'm hot and tired.  Even with the rain, it's still in the 90s and that's cool compared to what it's been lately.  I was wandering around outside with Henry today and we ran into a little lost dog who seemed so hot and who was covered in burs and leaves, even though it was obviously well groomed and looked pure bred to me... some little maltese or something.  T called his mother who lives nearby and she said a dog matching that description lived across the street from her and got loose all the time. We walked it down there and it was their dog, even though you wouldn't know it from their reaction.  Blank faces, eye rolling, "ugh that dog wanders around everywhere." Apparently it is too much trouble to keep batteries in the collar for the electric fence they use.. poor guy still had the metal teeth digging into his neck - a lot of good that collar does.  Barely even a thank you, just grabbed up the dog, spanked him, called him stupid and annoying, and I saw them throw him out the back door as I walked off, back into the yard he keeps getting out of.  Felt kind of down as we trudged back home.  The little guy was so sweet and well behaved, pretty cute under that dirty fur and better manners than all three of the mongrels we have at home.  Decided if I happen to see him around again, I won't be taking him back there.  How many times does your pet need to get lost before you make it a priority to keep them safe?  I can't imagine how grateful I would be for someone to bring my sweet Henry home - I would be freaking out, kissing my baby and the wonderful person who returned him to me.

So that little excursion got me all hot and sweaty, combined with the kind of blah feeling afterwards when I was expecting to be happy to get a lost animal home... on top of that, I'm sore from starting working out again.  On about day 5 of starting to get some exercise again and my muscles hurt, my joints are sore.  I'm imagining myself dropping 10 lbs a day and get the disappointment of seeing no change in the scale and worse today, up three lbs..? sigh.  I'm telling myself it's from all the salt I had last night from mexican food and popcorn at the movies.  I need to stay off the scale and just focus on what I'm eating and staying active but it's hard to not sneak a peek.  I'm going on vacation with T and his family to the beach in a little less than a month and I would love to be a little trimmed down by then.. fingers crossed. It's not like I'm morbidly obese or riding motor scooters through the grocery store or something.. but I'm bigger than I was in high school (who isn't, right?) and although I doubt I will ever be that size again... actually I don't think I would want to be, really... I at least want to be down like 20 lbs, maybe a little bit more, I don't know.  It's frustrating.  I'm extremely lazy, not sporty or athletic in the least, I love to cook, and basically don't have a lot to do right now - no school, no job, too hot to get out. All adds up to me sitting on my butt and wondering why my jeans feel tight.  I'm just telling myself that it will get easier.. just keep at it.. surely to god I will see SOME results, right?  I can't be sweating my boobs off every day.. boobs which are strapped down in the most unfortunate big-boob sports bra, I might add.. and keeping track of every bite I eat.. forgoing processed food, sodas, sweets, and cutting down on carbs heavily.. to have no results at all, right?

So a whole day has passed since I started this post.  Typical.  T got nosy as to what I was typing away at and after taking a break to keep him from seeing, the power got knocked out for hours.  Luckily I had last season's True Blood downloaded on itunes to keep me entertained.  Ok that'll do it for now.  First post complete!